Last night, as I lay in bed, very tired from all the running around through the day, once again I felt that there was something missing in my life. After few minutes of pondering and a word or two to my hubby later, I knew… Passion. I have always had a muse or interest or hobby of some sort at all stages of my life. But… at the moment, sadly, I haven’t any.
When I was growing up, I loved music like crazy and I had my own piano; then there was a time when I painted all the time. In college, all I cared about was competitions and participating in every literary or cultural event… won a prize almost evertime too… then there was university when all I did was study and research… strangely, I was crazy about my research project! I was addicted to blogging and designing blogger templates. I wonder why I don’t design my own templates anymore? (Hmm… note to self: should try one of these days!)After marriage there was crochet, hair pin loops and glass painting. After my son was born, I spend most of my free time learning to Tat. But now… there is nothing.I do bake once in a while but… can I say I am really passionate about it?
Life is so empty with out a hobby. There should be something that makes me get up each morning with that glint in my eye and that drive to finish everything up real fast so that I can find some time to do the things I love the most. I am not saying I don’t like playing with my kids… I love them and I love the time I spend with them but I need to find my ownself too. Sometimes, I think that the reason I feel that way is because I am afraid that years down the line, I may end up blaming my kids for my failures. I have heard of too many women who do that. They enjoyed their kids when they were growing up and then when the kids grew up and got busy in their own lives, they said, “I sacrificed myself for you!” I really, really dont wntn that to happen to me. I chose to have my kids… I chose to leave my job… I chose to be a stay at home mum and I can still choose to live the way I want to live.
I guess I am just scared of myself… of what I may become… if I am not mindful of my life.
Yes, now, about that ‘passion’ thing… I guess I need to find myself once again. Rediscover life all over again.It’s funny, how I keep rediscovering myself every few years… but, I love it! Isn’t it so much better than just existing?
I am living my life! Yep! Okay… back to going about my routine.
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