One month has passed since my daughter died. The pain is little less now… I’ll be lying if I said I didn’t miss her as much now but… it is a little less.
There are so many feelings, so many emotions going through me that it becomes so difficult to connect with myself. I didn’t blog because I just couldn’t get myself to write anything. There are days when I feel so anxious and so disturbed that it feels like I can’t breath. I feel like either going out of the house or run away somewhere, sometimes or … just sit somewhere and cry. The first five days, I tatted 5 bookmarks. Then, when I had strength enough, I went to my place to gather up her things. We have decided to give it all away. There is no point in holding on to them. There are people out there who don’t have clothes, toys or baby accessories. I guess, the thought that there is someone who will use those things or will benefit from them can become our therapy. Even when she was alive, we would often donate clothes and stuff anywhere we could but now, it is like… we need to.
Before I went to collect her things, I was of the feeling that I hadn’t done enough for her. I was afraid that holding her things in my hands would make me break down. Smelling her scent in everything would kill me. On the contrary, I am surprised at how light I feel in heart and soul after collecting everything and packing it. There were clothes- some of which she had never worn. The dresses she wore at my brother’s wedding, her aqeeqa dress… memories came flooding back. Shoes and socks… from birth to age 14months. Hair accessories that I had collected for her; knowing that her hair were too small then and that it may be months before she used them. That time never came. Bangles, finger rings, bracelets, anklets and chains that she wore just once or twice. Toys of all sorts. It was really strange that I bought so many age appropriate toys for her but she always liked her brother’s stuff. Now I feel as though she always said that she didn’t want us to spend too much on her. ‘Mommy I am your guest for just 14 months. Let me just live with you, share all your family’s stuff and then I’ll be gone. I am here only to share your love.’ That thought feels so cruel but…
Whenever we went out shopping or elsewhere, I hated placing her in a stroller or a pram because I felt like I was neglecting her. My son started sleeping in his crib at age 3months but I never let my daughter sleep even in her moses basket because I just loved that feeling of having her so close to me. We are now giving away that stroller and walker too. Some nights, she’d wake me so many times that when she woke me in the morning, I couldn’t get up. But then… she’d give me that ‘sunshine’ smile and it would be like magic that all my fatigue would disappear and I’d wake up laughing at her naughty smile. When she was born, for more than 20days we didn’t have a name for her and that was all because my husband and I could not decide out of the 50 names that we had short listed. She was like a blossoming flower- so tiny , so fresh… there was just no name that felt like that. And then, we did find that name… but now, I feel … would she be alive if we had named her something else?
The thoughts that go through us are so random. Some days there is guilt. The ‘if only’ feeling. If only, we hadn’t taken her to that doctor. If only, our doctor hadn’t gone on a vacation. If only, they had admitted her the previous night we were there. If only, I hadn’t called that nurse that moment when I did. If only, I had played more with her. I should have gotten her more toys. I should have given her more time. I should have grown her hair. I should have this… I should have that… If only.
Then, there is the time when we feel angry and keep blaming everyone…even if the anger and the blaming is only in our heart. There is also a time when we feel like all this has never happened.The ‘complete denial’ phase, as I call it. When, for a moment, we forget that she is dead and we feel like everything is just the way it was… then, all of a sudden… I rush to the bedroom to see if she has gotten up from her nap … and then I remember.
There are dreams … there are sleepless nights.
After all these feelings and thoughts and tears…there is the reality and the spirituality. The only thing that consoles is the feeling that the Almighty loves my daughter more than I could ever love her. She is in a much better place and she is away from all that pain and all those evil people who did all what they did to her. All that comes out of me then is :My Lord, I know You love me and I know You are the Truth and that all that You do is Right. You created her…You gave her to me, You took her back. To You we all return.